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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! I AM BACK!! my news show was cancelled because i was getting more views than CNN and they got jealous and told the cable company to drop my show. It was that or i just didn’t feel like doing it anymore but we would go with the first option because it makes me look less lazy. ok intro time!

makes explosive noise with mouth

 

All my news today is taken from one news paper known as The News. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it HAS to be a reliable source because it is called The News and it is a newspaper and newspapers NEVER lie.

 

First story of the day! A kindergarten student was ALLEGEDLY sent home from school because his hair has cornrows and the principal wanted him to cut his hair so she sent him home with his older brother, who also attends that primary school. The student was allowed back into school but the father was upset because the child’s hair is not cut because of a medical condition. A medical condition…………… so there is a medical condition that can be prevented by growing his hair? i am very curious as to what this medical condition is. Is the scalp supposed to be hidden? Wouldn’t plaiting the hair in cornrows defeat the purpose? here is a picture of the child’s hair. *screen goes black* as u can see…….. um…….. as u CAN’T see, the child scalp can be clearly seen between those HUGE cornrows. Also, did the doctor say that the hair HAS to be plaited? Did the school get a letter from the doctor? Where are the answers for these questions? *flips vigorously through newspaper* What is wrong with these journalists? I WANT ANSWERS!

 

*takes deep breath* calm down Ricky.

 

back to this story! This is where things get interesting. The child was sent back to school and there was no problem after that, so these lovely journalist over at The News decided to call the principal and ask her about the situation. The principal denied that she ever sent home -and this is a direct quote from the newspaper- “any student for any reason at all” and she later mentioned that she was teaching for 40 years. So dear teacher, in your 40 years of teaching you have NEVER sent a student home for ANY reason? That’s a lot hard to believe! The principal called the older brother and the older brother said that they went home because they did not have any lunch, but later recanted that statement and said that he was told to say that by the principal and if he hadn’t said it he would have been beaten. Although i believe that they little boy is lying. no wait. this is a news show! i cant say what i believe! lets pretend you didn’t hear that!

 

*clears throat*

 

If the older brother is speaking the truth, then he is one wimpy child! MAN UP and take your licks for the truth! im sure you’re somewhere between 7-11. STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD! The jornalists tried to get a comment from the ministry of education but they could not receive one. *throws hands up in frustration* really? You live in little St. Vincent and you know where the ministry of education is located, and you can’t secure a comment? YOU DONT WANT A COMMENT! look here! lets forget my news for a minute dear people at The News and focus you attention on me! if u want a good reporter/journalist then you need me. This cable company isn’t paying me at all partly because i haven’t made news in years but still they dont pay me. I was work for u and get u some real news. here are my demand:

 

1. Pay me good

2. I would like to wear whatever i want to work

3. I get one sick day per week or if you pay me really well, i’ll only take 1 every two weeks

4. get me a vehicle and gas it up daily. A chauffeur is optional

 

Simple demands! Your newspaper would be the best one around! Right now, searchlight is kicking your butt and they are more expensive. That’s just sad especially in this society. Hi miss lavia! Still waiting on that job offer from Searchlight! Ignore that last statement News newspaper people. *winks*

 

Oh yea. I’m doing the news. I forgot. Another school situation occurred but this time about a shoe. A student was sent home from school because she has a pair of shoes that was “too high.” Based on the vague information gathered, it seems as tho the child was sent home indefinitely and she has already missed a full term of school. I may be wrong, but i believe that the student was sent home until she gets the correct pair of shoes. If this is the case then the mother is just foolish for being stubborn and allowing the daughter to miss school, but the school involved has some error. The school could have allowed her in school and give her a certain amount of time to get the right shoe. The newspaper then went on to talk about all kinda laws that just make life easier for the student and harder for the teachers, but lets not get into that right now.

 

A woman was about to be raped by a naked man with a cutlass and she stabbed him twice…….or three times. those lovely journalist just mentioned that she threw a third stab but not if it connected. She was alone in her house because it was her 19 year old daughter’s birthday so she was out with her friends buying chicken. *allows you time to insert whatever joke u feel led to* The naked man sneaked (i thought it was snuck but i guess not) in told her to have sex with him or die. The woman then remembered that she told her daughter to put away a knife but the daughter didn’t do it, so she found the knife and stabbed the dude in the belly, then in the shoulder, and the man ran away and she swung at him and probably hit him, but we may never know for sure. thanks news newspaper. i do wish this had occurred when i was younger because this woulda bin ammunition for me. “mommy are u sure u want me to put away the dishes? what if someone comes in to kill u? u could just grab a plate and buss his head!’ or “but mommy, if i put the broom over there, u might not be able to get to it in time to beat up someone who might break in the house!” stuff like that.

 

On to the weather news! GARY! What is the weather like?

 

Gary: Looks fairly sunny

 

What are your predictions for the weather this week?

 

Gary: Sun, cloud, rain

 

Thank you Gary! Have a lovely day! 

 

SPORTS!!!!!!

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um….. Do i really have to say that? um…… Green Grasshopper dominates Canouan Government School’s sports. Really though? Green Grasshopper? I quoted the headline, but as i read, i have come to realize that they only beat -wait for it- Yellow Sunflower by 6 points. Really News? really? thats domination? wow, that nothing! this was CLOSE. The Grasshoppers BARELY won! The Red Roses ended up in the last position. So why couldn’t Green house have a flower too? Has anyone ever seen a green flower? guess its not possible. They could’ve called them Green Grass! Keep it in the bush family! That has no connection to the former terrible president of the united states. I feel sad for these kids when they get older and they have to tell their grandchildren stories about their childhood. “when i was younger, i ran for Green Grasshopper” they would just love that!

 

This has been another edition of what if Ricky did the news, so remember, when the world is in disarray, just ask yourself….what would Ricky say?